Lilian


Lilian Rachel Brown


I keep trying to put myself in her shoes. And imagine her life - at thirteen. And I can't. My life at thirteen was nothing like hers.

Shortly before leaving England, Lilian was living 20 miles from her twin sister and the family home. I don't know how long she was separated from them and I don't know why. I don't know what happened there - if anything - that could have been significant in her life.

The next thing she knew she was half way around the world, no longer living the life of prosperity and relative privilege to which she and her family had become accustomed. In fact, the entire family of eleven found themselves, at least initially, completely dependent on the kindness of strangers for their very survival.

And what did SHE think of her new homeland and her new religion? Was she given any options? Did SHE have a say? According to her older sister, their mom and dad were fully converted and found great joy in Mormonism. But what about Lilian?

Of course, those questions are silly. Nineteenth century women who were part of nuclear families had virtually no choices. And Lillian, being a mere girl-child, was raised to believe that her only option was to follow the lead of the male figure in her life. I do honestly believe Ben's heart was in the right place when he made the choices he did for his family. And I have to admit that I am reflecting my twenty-first century biases and experiences on Lilian as I evaluate and explore her lived experience as a brand new Mormon girl.

The minutes of the Fourteenth Ward YLMIA (Young Ladies Mutual Improvement Association) gives us a little insight as to her involvement and evolution in church activity and belief. I spent hours - days, really - going through them at the Church History Library in Salt Lake City. I'll highlight some things which jumped out at me.

Lilian and twin sister Gertrude attended the Fourteenth Ward YLMIA for the first time 1 Feb 1883 and were admitted as members. They would have been 15 1/2 years old. I would think in a prominent ward such as that one, with many high-ranking leaders' families on the rolls, attendance at all of the auxiliary meetings would be high.  From the discussions taking place during the meetings that doesn't seem to be the case with the YLMIA. Once Lilian and Gertrude were accepted into the organization they were active, participating members.

The second week they attended, 8 February 1883, Bishop Thomas Taylor and two other female leaders paid the association a visit. Here are the minutes of the meeting as written in the minutes book:

Minutes of the Y.L.M.I.A. of the 14th Ward Held Feb 8th 1883.
Meeting opened by singing “We Thank Thee, O God, for a Prophet”
Prayer by Miss Aggie Cambell
Singing "Should you feel inclined to censure"
The Roll called.
Minutes of previous meeting read and approved.
The programme was as follows
Song - - - Mrs. Allen
Miss Mattie Horne spoke on the subject of the Word of Wisdom
Chapter read from the Doc & Cov, Counselor Miss Emma Crissman
Counselor Miss Mattie Horne said she was sorry there were so few prepared that were on the              programme
Pleased to see Bp T. Taylor sisters Schwartz and Sister Maggie Taylor
knew all would be pleased to hear from them
Bp Taylor felt happy to be present – thought the exercises very interesting.
Referred to the subject of the Word of Wisdom said we ought to observe it, we would be healthy        both in body and mind,
the destroyer will have no power over us for the Lord has promised this
Thought that liquor offered externally was good in some cases
Recommended the use of olive oil when we are sick
Spoke of the doctrines and modes of worship taught and practiced by the Sectarian world
they know nothing of the principles of eternal life, they are as blind leaders of the blind
We have the Gospel as taught by Jesus Christ which is the plan of salvation to all who will listen and obey.
Prayed that we might be blessed in meeting together, and seek to improve in every good work and      made other interesting remarks.
Sis Schwartz felt pleased to meet with us
knew these meetings are very beneficial
Urged the young to be diligent, and seek every opportunity to acquire knowledge
Rely upon the Lord
He will assist you when in need
Prayed the Lord to bless us and that we might have power to do his will.
Sister Maggie Taylor was pleased to meet with us and to see so many present.
Thought these meetings were a great blessing for the young.
Hoped all would treasure up the good instructions they receive.
Prayed the Lord to bless us all.
Counselor Miss Mattie Horns thanked the Bp. and the sisters for their visit, would be pleased to see them at any time.
Programme read for next meeting and meeting adjourned for one week.
Sang Hark ye Mortals
Benediction by Bp. Thomas Taylor
No. of chapters reported 5.
Donation Mrs. Eddington 25 cents

That week Lilian was assigned (or possibly she volunteered - it's not exactly clear how it worked) to present a reading on the subject of obedience the following week, as was confirmed in the minutes of 15 February 1883. Also discussed that week was the poor attendance.  One girl speculated that some other girls might stay away from the meetings for fear they would be required to speak up or accept an assignment if they were to attend. Another girl declared that she "did not like to refuse when called upon to speak" and she "always attended meeting when possible for her to do so" as if it was her duty. From the minutes:
Counselor Miss Mattie Horne felt sorry there were so few present but we must not feel discouraged. Referred to the reading on obedience. Thought it taught a good lesson; we should not always stop and want to know why, we are commanded to do so, and so we should be obedient to those placed over us in authority without murmuring and not stop to question. The priesthood are placed here to lead and dictate to us for our good, and it is our duty to obey them. Counselor Miss Ella Wilcox said we should obey the Authorities and those placed over us for they counsel us for our good.
I think if I were Lilian on that day, I would have felt very good about myself. No, I would have been ecstatic - on cloud nine! There it was - her 2nd time to attend YLMIA and her first presentation - and she not only received the praise and endorsement of the two counselors to the president of the association, but because of their comments she probably perceived the acceptance and admiration of every other girl in that room. From that time forward, if I were fifteen year-old Lilian, I would not only be fully committed to the organization, I would be equally and fully committed to the principle of complete, unquestioning obedience to Priesthood leadership as it was declared and endorsed during that meeting.  My oh my, if my assumptions could possibly be correct and hold any weight and bearing at all, this could have been a life changer for Lilian Brown. Or, at the very least, it could have reinforced what culture and indoctrination already taught her to believe: obedience, obedience, obedience. Unconditional obedience to authority - to Priesthood authority. That was the feel-good lesson of the day.

Few, if any, weeks go by in which Lilian, Gertrude, or both are not participating in some way in weekly YLMIA meetings.  They're offering prayers, reading scripture, making remarks, telling bible stories, reading essays, answering questions, and accepting assignments to edit and compile the weekly "paper".  Lilian often testifies of prayer and faith. Here are a few examples from some of the minutes over a period of several years:


Apr 19th 1883
Lilian Brown expressed pleasure in attending and listening to the exercises.

Feb 21st 1884
Lilian Brown (and others) all expressed themselves as being pleased to attend these meetings knew they were benefited by so doing.

Dec 11th 1884
Lilian Brown (and othersl) made a few remarks, desired to do their part to help roll on the work of God, always pleased to come to these meetings

Mar 5th 1885
Lilian Brown (and others) bore testimony to the truth of this great latter-day work, knew it to be of God.  Expressed their willingness to do anything required of them to help make the meetings entirely enjoyed, had been benefited by attending.

Apr 9th 1885
Sisters Lilian Brown and Hannah Buckwalter expressed their pleasure in being at meetings, said they would try and come punctually.

April 30th 1885
Essay     -         Miss Lilian Brown
Misses Martha Martin, Hannah Buckwalter, Lilian Brown & Mae Taylor did not use tea or coffee, felt better without it.

Aug 13th 1885
Benediction by Lilian Brown
Donation Lilian Brown 15 cents

Aug 20th 1885
Chapter from the Book of Mormon         -           Miss Lilian Brown
Miss Lilian Brown was appointed editoress for the next paper

Oct 22nd 1885
Essay     -           Miss Lilian Brown
(select reading by Miss Gertrude Brown)

Oct 29th 1885
Remarks made by Lilian & Gertrude Brown
Misses Gertrude & Lilian Brown were appointed editoresses for our next paper.

Feb 25th 1886
8th chapter of Genesis read by Gertrude Brown & reviewed by Lilian Brown.
Interesting remarks were made by [others] & Lilian Brown.

July 18, 1886
Remarks by Lilian Brown

Sep 9th 1886
Miss Lilian Brown was pleased to have the privilege of attending these meetings, said if we come with prayerful hearts and seek for the Spirit of the Lord we will be blessed.

Sep 16th 1886
Misses Lilian Brown, Annie Christenson, and Minnie Christenson spoke a few words


I'm going to stop here and add a little commentary. By this time Lilian would have just turned 19 years old. When she was 18, she was called to a leadership position in the Fourteenth Ward Primary. We have to remember that church leadership at that time wasn't something that almost every active, believing member did for a few years and then moved on so someone else could take a turn at it. Once you were labeled a leader that label stayed with you. Lilian was very much labeled and, I would confidently speculate, very highly regarded. 

Unbeknownst to her at the time, those two other women listed with her in the minutes of Sep 16th 1866 (above) were her future sisters-in-law. The Fourteenth Ward also had a new bishop - George H. Taylor. Lilian's dad, Ben, was Bishop George H. Taylor's counselor.


Oct 9th 1886
Bro. G.H. Taylor said that one and all that belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has royal blood in their veins and that they are the only people under Heaven who have the pure royal blood.

Nov 16th 1886
Just as we were about to adjourn Bp G H Taylor and counselors Thomas E Taylor and Benjamin Brown came in, they each made a few remarks.

Counselor Benjamin Brown was pleased to meet with the young ladies.  Believed they met together to improve.  It is as necessary for the sisters to become acquainted with the principles of our religion as the brethren, pleased to see the sisters taking hold & qualifying themselves to fill positions that they may be called to & fill them honorably.  Urged all to persevere in every line of duty & obtain all knowledge possible.  Prayed the Lord to bless us.

Bp George H Taylor said he had been thinking about visiting the association for some time, apologized for coming in late, had a business meeting to attend before coming. The business was not of a very pleasant character as they had been trying to settle a grievance between man & wife. But they would not be reconciled, so they counseled them to get divorced. Mentioned this as an example to the young ladies in their choice of a husband, one that has integrity of heart, one of congenial spirit, no matter if he is not handsome or has not much of the world's goods, if he is a good man and has the riches of the kingdom of God, said true love abounds then you will be happy, any other unions brings unhappiness & misery.  Pray to your Heavenly Father to be guided in these matters by the promptings of His Holy Spirit for He knows better than we do about these things.

Dec 14th 1886
Miss Lilian Brown could not say that she knew this to be the work of God, but believed it to be.  Prayed that she might obtain a testimony that would convince her of the truth it is.

For several weeks the girls were bearing testimonies of their knowledge of the truth or of seeking for knowledge of the truth.  This seemed to weigh heavily on all of their minds.

Mar 8th 1887
Lilian Brown could say she knew this to be the work of God, for she had obtained a testimony through fasting and prayer, all doubt was removed from her mind, knew all could obtain a similar blessing if they seek for it in the right way.

Mar 22nd 1887
Lilian and Gertrude Brown expressed their pleasure in coming to the meetings and desired to do their part toward making the meetings a success.

May 8, 1888
Prayer – Gertrude Brown
Lilian Brown and Gertrude Brown expressed their feelings.

May 15, 1888
Lilian Brown read an essay entitled Self improvement

May 22, 1888
Lilian Brown and Gertrude Brown (and others) each spoke a few minutes

Oct 23, 1888
Lilian Brown said if girls are faithful and if they fast and pray their prayers will be answered and knew we will improve.

June 10, 1890
Address on Charity by Lilian Brown

There we have almost 7 1/2 years of activity and participation in the YLMIA. Lilian continued to attend even after she was married. So my obvious question has to be -  How did all of the discussion and counsel and doctrine and advice affect her? And further - Did it contribute to her future mental illness or was her mental illness a given in spite of her lived experiences and indoctrination?

Here's what I know.  I know that what Lilian was taught to believe as a youth and young adult was pretty much identical to what I was taught. And just like her, I bought it all. I was all in. I was committed. I was fully believing. Just like her, I was special, unique, chosen, privileged, royal and at the exact same time I was oppressed, less-than, obedient, and unquestioning.


And, given the chance, here's what I would say to Lilian concerning some of the counsel and doctrine she received (which I highlighted in blue above) from my twenty-first century perspective: 

1 - "Bp George H Taylor said he had been thinking about visiting the association for some time, apologized for coming in late, had a business meeting to attend before coming. The business was not of a very pleasant character as they had been trying to settle a grievance between man & wife. But they would not be reconciled, so they counseled them to get divorced. Mentioned this as an example to the young ladies in their choice of a husband, one that has integrity of heart, one of congenial spirit, no matter if he is not handsome or has not much of the world's goods, if he is a good man and has the riches of the kingdom of God, said true love abounds then you will be happy, any other unions brings unhappiness & misery.  Pray to your Heavenly Father to be guided in these matters by the promptings of His Holy Spirit for He knows better than we do about these things."

Lilian, I find this comment to be a little complicated given the timing of it. As you may or may not have been told, Bishop Taylor had just been released from prison 2 1/2 months earlier, having been found guilty of unlawful cohabitation in violation of the Edmunds-Tucker Act. In other words, he was convicted of being a polygamist. Your father, Ben Brown, served as acting bishop while he was in the penitentiary. I can't imagine that marriage was not a complicated subject for anyone at this point in time, much less for you and all the other young ladies in your ward. Wilford Woodruff's Manifesto wouldn't happen for 4 more years, so the prospect of plural marriage for you and all the other girls listening to this message would have been a scary reality. In fact, the more "worthy" the man, the more likely it was he would have plural wives. Bishop Taylor probably wore his imprisonment as a badge of honor - sacrificing and giving his all to the Lord. You should already know that many women in your day stood and publicly defended the practice, but I can tell you that their private thoughts, writings, and conversations were quite the opposite. Your future mother-in-law was the perfect example of that. I hate to be the one to tell you, Lilian, that even though you will not actually be living plural marriage in the flesh, it will eat you alive. But I can assure you, unlike what you're being taught now, it's not an eternal thing. You don't need to worry. Ultimately, after you sacrifice a huge chunk of your adult life to insanity to which you blame directly on polygamy, you'll be just fine.

2 - "Counselor Benjamin Brown was pleased to meet with the young ladies.  Believed they met together to improve.  It is as necessary for the sisters to become acquainted with the principles of our religion as the brethren, pleased to see the sisters taking hold & qualifying themselves to fill positions that they may be called to & fill them honorably.  Urged all to persevere in every line of duty & obtain all knowledge possible.  Prayed the Lord to bless us."

Lilian, your father is a man filled with love and integrity. I couldn't agree more.

3 - "Bro. G.H. Taylor said that one and all that belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has royal blood in their veins and that they are the only people under Heaven who have the pure royal blood."

Lilian, I was so taken in by this way of thinking for so, SO long. I lived for it and I thrived on it. It defined me as special, unique, and "peculiar". Only MY offerings, efforts, and spiritual practices, as a Latter-day Saint, were acceptable to God and everyone else's, even if they were superior to mine, were somehow counterfeit. Of course I didn't realize it at the time. Not until I was able to dissect and eliminate this labeling system did I come to see exactly how harmful it was to me and to everyone else not Mormon. It gave me permission to judge others as less than - to label outsiders, to shun and shame them.  But now I'm finally able to see everyone with new eyes. Mormon, Christian, non-Christian, Gay, Straight, whatever - if we're kind, if we're friendly, we're all the same in the sight of God. When I was taught what it meant to be God's "chosen people" - his "royal lineage" - it only included the Mormons. I was also taught that the "gathering of Israel" ultimately meant vast amounts of people joining the Mormon church.  But if I were to use the term "gathering of Israel" today, I would say that it's diverse people from all cultures, all religions, and all personal philosophies putting aside their differences and being gathered together in love, unity, cooperation, compassion, and service. All of those who are part of that gathering have royal blood in their veins. And even if they don't, it's my job to treat them as if they do.

4 - "Spoke of the doctrines and modes of worship taught and practiced by the Sectarian world they know nothing of the principles of eternal life, they are as blind leaders of the blind We have the Gospel as taught by Jesus Christ which is the plan of salvation to all who will listen and obey."

Lilian, even in 2017 we are still vilifying other churches and other religious practices in our Sunday meetings. We have to stop! It's destructive and mean-spirited. Also, see #3 above.

5 - "Referred to the reading on obedience. Thought it taught a good lesson; we should not always stop and want to know why, we are commanded to do so, and so we should be obedient to those placed over us in authority without murmuring and not stop to question. The priesthood are placed here to lead and dictate to us for our good, and it is our duty to obey them. . . we should obey the Authorities and those placed over us for they counsel us for our good."

Lilian, I'm the first to admit that there are very good, inspired Priesthood-holding men who give wise counsel and love much. Your father, Ben, is a premier example. I love, admire, and respect them. But it's my belief that men meeting that description are inherently that way and don't become such by virtue of any Priesthood power with which they've been given. You see, I've been severely damaged one time too many by power-wielding Priesthood leaders, and my unconditional obedience to them is a thing of the past. The last encounter took me to my absolute breaking point. No more and never again! Certainly a young teenager such as yourself should be expected to obey wise, loving parents. Good and caring church leaders could aid in directing and shaping the character of a growing adolescent as well. But always remember this: an adult woman, divinely endowed with the gift of personal revelation, has within herself everything she needs to access the will and power of God in her life. Don't sell yourself short. You are enough. What you have within you is enough. If the Priesthood is, in fact, the power of God on earth, it is here to serve you - to bless you - not to dictate to you and take away your agency. From here on out I rely on my own internal authority to make decisions and direct my life. No one receives inspiration for me, but me. This Shel Silverstein poem, coming to you from the future, spoke to my soul. It is simple yet profound indeed:

There is a voice inside of you
that whispers all day long,
"I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong."
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
or wise man can decide
what's right for you - just listen to
the voice that speaks inside.

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